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After listening to the podcast episode “Can you be body positive and want to lose weight” (Rebecca Scritchfield’s Body Kindness podcast, from 10/2016), I’ve started to think about what this journey means to me.
Although I’m late to this episode, I really strongly resonate with the idea of wanting to lose weight, but wanting to be positive about my body. I’ve just recently come to body kindness and this whole world of leaving diet culture, and I am definitely still feeling that desire to lose weight.
I am working so hard to try to not let weight loss or a different body shape/size be my focus or drive my motivation, but I acknowledge that I’m not there yet. I have not turned to diet culture again (I am not restrictive, no foods are off limits), but I am afraid that searching for movement that I love again will make it even more difficult to shift my focus away from weight loss, because I would hope for that to be an outcome.
I have recently thought about trying to box or dance again, have considered learning about Tai Chi (it feels like a somewhat natural transition from yoga to something else because of the mind-body connection in both areas), and I know I want to be stronger again because of my knee. I miss the feeling of strength I used to have when using my legs to jump and sprint in volleyball. And I can’t yet shake the thought that if I was lighter, it wouldn’t be so hard, and would be less strenuous for my body.
I’m also admittedly scared to death of gaining more weight before my best friend’s wedding in November. I want to fit into a nice dress in a way that is attractive, and my brain hasn’t yet transitioned to believing that my body shape is attractive.
I’m learning, and I’m working towards change, but this feeling and this acknowledgment is an indication of just how far I have to go. Figuring out what healthy means for me, and how to get where I want to be, mentally and physically, is a journey I’m both daunted by, and excited to start on.